Jen Kwon

The Start of Something New

The way that I would start off my 1 minute summary about how Kenya was that it was perfect. Not because I had an epiphany or an awesome revelation- because I didn’t- but because the trip was just what I needed. I was able to see how ugly my heart could be but also see a glimpse of how pure my heart could be. It took me a long time to be thankful for the trip or even realize why I came. I thought that I should have been one of those people who said, “Maybe I’m not supposed to go on missions” and drop out. But it was too late because I was already in Kenya. Day 11 in my journal says, “It has been a week and a half but I definitely feel like I have been here for a very long time”. For the first half of the trip I really wanted to go back home. Not until a late night prayer meeting did I really hunger for God to speak to me and show me why I was in Kenya. It took me so long to see God in Kenya because it was taking so long for me to let God use me in my weaknesses. My heart was not being fed at all during the first couple weeks because the typical schedule would be VBS in the mornings (I’m not good with kids) and then house-to-house evangelism (I have very little experience, meaning none). So I felt that I had nothing to offer these people in Kenya and felt very worthless. And I was right. Not until I realized that I am nothing without Christ, was God able to use me. Our team used this analogy a lot. The stars in Kenya are crazy-millions of bright, twinkling stars you feel like you could reach out and grab. We had never seen anything like that in the US because of the pollution. Just like the stars are covered up in America, my heart is so filled with distractions in America, that it makes it so hard to see God. In America, I have so many other things I can rely on-people, money, success, and most of all myself. It took a trip all the way across the world to realize that, kinda sad right? So not until that night, after hours and hours of repentance for trying to live my like as if I was something, was I able to see God a little more clearly.

Due to my lack of dependence on God, I also realized that I have no faith in my relationship with Him. There were many time after house-to-house evangelism or VBS or revival where I would be so discouraged with thoughts like “these people are laughing during the crucifixion scene...are they really getting something out of our skits? Or they are just accepting Christ to be nice, how much of this body worship do they really understand?”, which I realized was due to my lack of faith. Practically speaking, I didn’t think those thoughts were ridiculous but Biblically speaking they were. I was reading through Job during those times of doubt and just like how God was rebuking Job for doubting Him, I felt like God was telling me that if I had just one thing to say that could prove that God was not there to confront Him. Obviously, I was speechless. It was really hard to continue to have faith during the trip because I was trying to always think so logically but it was so necessary in order to see God’s power.

During the last week of Kenya, I was so ready to give my all and be the hungriest for God and was expecting all these blessings, but it was actually very difficult. I was very nonchalant about everything and was just coasting by- exactly what I didn’t want to do! But I really felt like God was showing me how hard my spiritual life was going to be like when I got back to America. Because of all the distractions I would have to proactively fight to see God. I would not have a set schedule of ministry everyday, no schedules morning prayers or revival meetings. But I would have to constantly fight against my selfish desires in order to love God each day. So I was really thankful I didn’t end the trip with a spiritual high because it was a realistic picture of what my life would be like in America many times. However, He did not give me glimpses of how hungry my heart could be for Him, how focused I could be on Him, how dependent I could be on Him, so that I cold not only strive to have that kind of heart again, but also strive to have an even hungrier, more dependent, purer heart as each day passes.

So I leave this trip very hopeful. Because God’s promises that if I walk by the spirit that I will not gratify the desires of the flesh and after this trip I really so believe in God’s promises and His power to that in me. I know that trying to keep this desire is going to be extremely difficult and will consist of many inevitable failures, but God says, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”